“If you are willing to look at another person’s behaviour toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all.” ― Yogi Bhajan

I asked on an Instagram poll a couple of weeks ago how people have holiday stress and how much of that is related to family. For many, there are a multitude of factors associated with holiday stress, like finances, busy schedules, managing expectations, planning travel, and so on. The main source of stress, for what appears to be a majority of people, is the blood that binds us… I followed this up by asking if mindfulness strategies might be helpful, and some may be wondering “why mindfulness?” Other things often come to mind when we think about dealing family drama/stress/situations, but here is why I find mindfulness to be a really great place to start; Practicing mindfulness has been found to help with emotional regulation and tolerance, amongst having a host of other benefits such as mental clarity, increased objectivity (or helping with practicing non-judgement), acceptance, and greater feelings of overall well being. 

So when your mom mentions to you casually for the 100th time that she was really was hoping to have a new baby at Christmas by now, or your cousin is bragging about the new house they just bought, or you feel pulled in multiple different directions and satisfying everyone seems impossible, or whatever situation you’re finding brings you sense of dread/anxiousness/stress… Mindfulness enables us to concentrate on our own emotions and regulate our responses in such a way that may help us achieve a greater sense of calm and control. 

So; What is mindfulness? It’s one of those buzzwords that has taken centre stage a lot in pop psychology and instagram self-help gurus tout the healing effects, and you may even be tired of hearing about it by now. I hear you, and I get it. A lot of people hear mindfulness; and jump right to “meditation” and that can make us feel wary of trying mindfulness out for ourselves. There are lots of reasons people don’t want to sit on the floor in silence, and its a common belief that in meditation you’re meant to “think about nothing.” While meditation and sitting in silence can be useful for a mindfulness based practice, starting here tends to be unappealing, if not ineffectual for most. I want to discuss mindfulness in a way that feels relatable, is more easily doable, and that makes it easier for the common person to practice it. Because most of us are common people. Social media influencer culture can leave us feeling like we aren’t doing enough if we don’t wake up at 5am, do yoga, meditate for an hour, journal, and walk out the door by 8am looking like Linda Evangelista. I want mindfulness to feel accessible, relatively easy, and something you can do anywhere, anyplace, anytime, because you can; And in all honesty it can be a really integral piece to the therapeutic process.

Mindfulness at its core is the practice of purposefully bringing your attention to the present moment. Becoming aware of your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and trying to calmly observe these without judgement and without becoming overwhelmed by them. By focusing on this awareness, we can help develop a sense of calm about the emotions and thoughts any given situation is eliciting within us. Once we can do this, we can more successfully control our nervous system enhancing our emotional regulation, and allowing us to choose how we want to respond. Now I want to talk about something really important here, and the thing that’s so important to note is; This takes practice. This is not something most of us can just pick up with and start using because we’ve read about it once, or watched an instagram reel. Being able to turn our attention to our inner world, when so many things are happening outside of us all the time that require an immediate response, is a skill. Some people will pick it up really quick, some people will need to work on it for a bit longer. The more you practice, the better you get at it, and the more accessible these skills become to you. 

With all of this information, it can be hard to sort out how mindfulness might work for you. This is why discussing a practical application of mindfulness when dealing with holiday stress, and in particular stress brought on by family can help break down this process. So, you’ve been told using mindfulness with our family allows us to approach these situations with calmness, clarity, and intention. When dealing with family, you are likely already aware about the types of stress or triggers they may be highlighting in your life. This means you have the basis for starting a mindfulness practice. I want you to think about a specific person in your family that causes you some level of stress or anxiety, what kind of things might they say, expectations might they have, unspoken body language do you pick up on? What feeling/feelings does this bring up for you? Do you feel it in your chest? Does it make you want to cry? To yell? To avoid? While you’re noticing where you feel this in your body, take some deep breathes, name your feelings.  For example; “My stomach has butterflies, I feel nervous”.  Next, recognize if you’re having any other sorts of thoughts, maybe “I should just not come next time”, “why is she always like this”, “I can never do good enough.” Mindfulness asks that we respectfully note these feelings, these sensations, these thoughts. What I mean by respect is that we assign a judgement about ourselves based on what we are noticing. We don’t chastise ourselves for having the feelings, sensations, and thoughts that come up. Evaluating the “why” of our emotions, thoughts, and feelings is important, doing so with compassion is more so. I encourage you to lead with curiosity, rather than judgment. This is a key of mindfulness, exploring ourselves and our “whys”, without assigning any sort of value or worth to them. “I think I have a hard time saying no to family events because its very hard for me feel I’ve upset my loved ones” is an exploration, “ I have a hard time saying no to family events because I’m a pushover”, is a judgement, and is likely not very helpful. 

Being in tune with our inner world helps enable us to use our thoughts, feelings, and emotions as a tool to guide our interactions. For example if we know, can feel, and understand how and why our dad’s comments about our body are triggering emotional and/or physical distress, we can then begin to set boundaries and more comfortably communicate them to those around us. Trying to be an effective communicator when you are feeling emotionally and/or physically distressed is next to impossible. This is why it’s so important to be able to effectively manage ourselves first. If we routinely apply mindfulness strategies onto the events in our lives that create us stress, it can eventually become second nature, and the impacts of the actions and words of those around us, can over time cease to elicit such strong reactions from us. 

Lastly; Feeling emotions, having gut reactions, thinking thoughts, these things are normal. Preferable even! The point is not to become an emotionless person devoid of normal human feelings and reactions, the point is to not let these feelings and emotions rule you, to respect them, and recognize what interactions you’re having that are leaving a bad taste in your mouth, so to speak, so that you can intentionally engage with those around you in a way that doesn’t leave you feeling worse for wear.

DISCLAIMER: This is the coles notes version of mindfulness and how it may help you. Social media and this blog is not a substitute for personal therapy and this content is meant as a general dialogue about mindfulness and how to use it this holiday season.